See You Soon's...

…And a lovely few remaining days together as well. Monday was a trek up to the jungle mountain house of our Irish mate’s for a BBQ & beers and then a trip into the town of Lamai. A busy little party town, even for a Monday (this is a holiday island after all). Straight to Shamrock’s for a few of their Shamrock Specials (5 different kinds of alcohol combining to taste like fruit juice… dangerous) & live music! This fantastic Thai band covering everything from Tina Turner to P!nk to Eric Clapton – such a blast. We duck into Woody’s down the street and end up in our own pool tournament (with two local women) until after 1 in the morning.

Tuesday I got to play a familiar role I actually missed: cheerleader for that sports guy who is always apart of some team every single season of the year. It was familiar and happy. It was also really cool to watch a dozen international guys come together with a small handful of local Thai men in a friendly football match. Dinner at Jano’s has become our regular, home to a movie and early bedtime after our previous late night out.

Wednesday came all too quickly. Suddenly it is my final night on the island. (How?) I get to get all dolled up for dinner and a trip into Cheweng for buckets and hookah at Ark Bar before the famous Lady Boy show at Starz Burlesque Theatre. Good conversation + good company with our sweet smoke, and such a neat experience at the show! So many impressive performances, even if we didn’t recognize many of the songs! Worth the attraction though, for sure. So many different dynamics of this culture is what keeps it so intriguing for me. It’s been an awesome few days with those boys, and I already know I’ll be envious of their continued wild experiences to come, even after I’m long gone.

 I am remembering back to August 11^th, those distinct moments I made sure to identify and appreciate: the beginning. Standing, gazing out the back of that speedboat from the Donsak pier to the island. I was so happy to finally be here, to have made it all this way with the full day of travel behind me, and 2 dozen wonderful ones ahead of me. I didn’t know how I would feel about any of it back then (back then which literally feels like ages ago, and at the same time, like it was just yesterday…); I hadn’t felt the island sand under my toes, I hadn’t tasted the different spices and flavours of Thailand, I hadn’t set eyes on him again yet. I knew this night would come, and I knew it would come quickly, but that doesn’t usually make it much easier. I’m not sure I’ll know how I truly feel about this being the end (once more) until I’m en route out of here tomorrow afternoon. God knows I’ll be trying my best to find the positives, to feel the best possible way about leaving.

Thursday, August 28^th

3pm, from Bangkok Airways VIP lounge. Sipping chocolate milk, listening to planes take off directly above me, sheltered from the howling winds & rain of my departure day, reading ‘Miss you<3’ messages already. Sigh. But I have to hold on to this feeling that it is time. That 17 days was the exact right amount of days, and now I am ready to escape this holiday bubble and return to my still newly developing solo, exciting Aussie life. This was the first major travel I ever took where ‘returning home’ wasn’t actually my Canadian home. That feels good though, it makes all of this feel even more real – this life that I have surely established for myself: this life abroad.

But, gosh, where to begin in reflection of my time here…

Thailand was phenomenally good-looking. One of the most aesthetically pleasing environments I have ever spent such a significant amount of time (and I do consider 17 days significant. If it is technically the majority of the month, it deserves to be deemed significant. Never mind all of the other actual reasons it was such a significant time here…) It was the kind of beautiful that you sometimes have to look for, but then completely suddenly, it swallows you whole.

Thailand was feeling foreign and misplaced, which makes it all the more exciting and majestic. It is unknown and uncertain; it is begging to be explored. I suppose I can only speak for Koh Samui and its dear surrounding sister islands, but in 2 and a half short weeks here, I can already recognize the feeling of undiscovered potential. As if any single side street could hold the island’s best green curry soup, or behind any given row of rented bungalows could be the most surreal place to catch the sunrise. Or maybe in some parts of this island, that midnight ocean magic longs to come alive all year round. There is so much more here, more than 17 days allow for uncovering. But the details it revealed to me during my stay here, they were certainly captivating. It’s how I am departing with this tickling, lingering feeling that I might just be back someday, perhaps to this exact island.

Thailand has been recognition; it is acceptance, it is closure. At least for this time being. And it feels so relieving, so liberating to be at peace with that feeling. No matter how long this feeling of willing, compliant conclusion lasts, at least I know it exists. And I may have to search for this feeling, dig deeply down into my soul to retrieve this feeling, especially in the closer days to come, and most likely still many weeks and months down the line, but being present in this here moment fills me full of hope.

It is what it is. Things are the way they are. This is life, and it moves onward, one foot before the other, step after step, day after day, from moment to moment we are here and we are enduring and we are prospering and we are learning to be in the ways which are best for us, here in our current, individual little worlds. Our paths keep on forming, our souls keep on growing, who we are meant to be is in constant development, and for now, we are simply meant to repeat our goodbyes. If it weren’t so, it wouldn’t be. We are here right now to give kisses farewell. To wish good luck and good health and exchange words of love and hope. Because there will always be hope. Hope for the universe opening itself back up to us, giving us the chance to be our best possible versions of ourselves to and for each other. That time is just not this time. And that is okay.

And whether that time even ever comes, cannot be a concern for me. All that I will allow my mind to wrap itself around is this time, this specific moment and nothing further than that. I did such a fantastic job at being completely and entirely present during this most recent of great escapes, and I know that it was a huge factor in making this trip so enjoyable. At times, I was scared that being so present, being so ignorant of all things which would have needed to eventually be sorted (and I suppose still do), was going to make those things that much more impossible to endure. But then I would breath deep, and pull my mind back to only here and now.

Right here and right now, I am happy. I am happy with what I learned this month, I am happy with how I handled that information and those pieces of proof, I am happy with the way things were left. There was no possible alternative. It is what it is, all you can do is choose to accept that; to understand there is no controlling the ways of this world, and to choose happiness through absolutely all of it anyway. There are way too many reasons to still be so happy. And more so, there is so much potential to continue being even happier than I have ever been before. I know this. I believe the best is yet to come. After all, isn’t believing in that an absolute requirement in this life?

 Friday, August 29^th – Touchdown in Sydney

I know I am already just incredibly exhausted. I hardly ever sleep longer than 20 full minutes on a red eye, I am working my regular shifts this weekend which means 22 hours in the next 3 days. Thinking about that makes me exhausted, so I know that has a huge impact on this. But I thought it worth noting that in this moment now, I don’t feel so happy. Suddenly it feels so weird filling out my immigration card as a returning resident, and I’m scared that it won’t actually feel liberating or independent heading back to my ‘home’ here. It sort of just makes me feel lost, or alone. Leaving a boy who always felt like home, and not even returning to my actual home. I think it will be tough, and I am already in anticipation of that fish-out-of-water feeling.

I know in time I will be okay, and I will feel all of the things I already wrote about again soon, but it’s worth noting that it will take time, it will take a hell of a fighting effort, it will take strength and bravery and dedication to that happier life. I’m almost certain I can do this. I only wish I didn’t miss him already. And I wish it weren’t overcast and wet here on platform 4. It’s been raining. It feels like England. That feeling so distinct, creeping through my soul, leaving bits and pieces of uncertainty in its trailing path. It’s going to be okay – of course it’s going to be okay. I will sleep, I will shake this off, I will snap out of it.

While there are no set plans, while there will be no progressive efforts between us, there are also no doubts that we will meet once again, for our next grand adventure. Someday again, as soon as this universe permits.

{Full video here}