Cheers, New Year

January 1^st, 2015

There are always about a million ways to go about the New Year, New Life post – it’s hard to settle on just one (preferably one that hasn’t been done a hundred times before!). I have had so many New Life moments in the past year, when everything seemed to be renewed and I got to make so many wonderful first steps…

I had my brave New Life when I moved home from England, my beautiful New Life when I began my 100happydays, my most significant New Life when I moved to Australia, and I’m about to take another big first step into a New Life in Western Australia which will undoubtedly bring new challenges and new triumphs.

In thinking about the least clichéd way to summarize my best year to date (and by thinking I mean procrastinating because how difficult is that particular summarization task?!), I think back to where I was at midnight last night. While one year slipped into the next, I was tucking another tiny piece of paper into my peacock Kleenex box on my desk here. It was a happy moment. A happy moment worthy of my positivity jar (which has since become an interchangeable box, as jars are tough to travel with!).

Last January I started a little project for myself. On February 27^th I shared it with the world:

“I spent some time this aft making up some of these jars (which match the massive one next to my bedside table!) for any and every one willing to take the challenge. To take responsibility and accountability for their happiness. I strongly encourage each and every one of you to recycle an old jar, a Tupperware container, a Kleenex box! And commit to recognizing just one positive part of every day. Do it for you, do it for the person you will be on December 31^st of this year :) – just imagine who that person will be! Where they will be! And all that has become of him/her in the days since their first paper slip was inserted…” 

What better way to sum up this happiest year than to share with you some of my happiest moments…

January 3^rd ~ spent an entire afternoon drinking tea + listening to acoustics + writing in my journal. <3

January 22^nd ~ midnight, a wonderful 9 hours in Brantford with Dustin: the boy helping me to smile again.

January 23^rd ~ BEST RANCH NIGHT! 2 stepping with real cowboys (Peter, James, Pablo/Lee! Lol)! Hours + hours of spinning, twirling, flipping in the air all over the damn place J Post bar acoustic jam at the Super 8! I love my best friend J

January 23^rd ~ went into GoodLife for a part time minimum wage job interview … walked out with an offer to be general manager for the new club opening on Eramosa! J Best feeling!

January 23^rd ~ “It makes me happy to always know that if the two of us go for a night out, it won’t matter if we know 20 people, 5, 1, or no one – we’re going to have the best time together. No one else I’d rather conquer the dancefloor with J” (guest slip from Katie)

January 26^th ~ Tonight, Dustin told me one day he could only hope to “find the kind of love you and Karri had” … He’s the first person I’ve ever truly opened up to about Kar. He said he could hear it in my voice, in my words, see it in my face how much we really loved each other. <3 It meant the absolute world.

January 27^th ~ started typing up my journals…

February 3^rd ~ candlelit Moksha hot yoga, chatting til 3am, and a perfect (first) goodnight kiss J

February 4^th ~ Today I had my first lovely conversation with a boy’s sister J Made me so happy to begin that valued family connection (& with such a beautiful soul, Kate Faith!)

February 4^th ~Today I reflected on the last 4 days + launched my newest blog project: 100HappyDays J Couldn’t be more excited.

February 6^th ~ Camping (+ kissing!) atop Moe Hill! Minus 10 weather, but soo warm & cozy in that little tent J

February 7^th ~ First time seeing Daniel since December 16^th … the best day together – being ‘us’ <3<3<3

February 9^th ~ Walking home from the gym as the stars are coming out, and your song comes on just as I’m passing the top of the complex, where we sat reclined in your car, giving in. The curb we sat on together waiting for your sister to pick you up after you’d walked me home from down town. Another night we gave in. I looked at those vacant spaces in this present world, and I could SEE us. I could feel you. That kiss you left on my forehead. The love that filled my soul. I miss you.
Hey, momma rock me. <3 xoko

February 10^th ~ long, late night car chats w Jas J

February 11^th ~ <3 Early valentines celebration, & a significant little first for us, smiley, nervous feelings lingering long after he’s gone.

February 12^th ~ Recording w Mike! JJ ♬

February 13^th ~ email + offer to be a full time contributor to theblogwander.com !!! First steps to my actual DREAM job!

February 13^th ~ AND – I’ve been asked to write the Valentine’s Day MOG (momentsofgratitude.com) …. Because apartently I give off the impression that I know a thing or two about love…

February 14^th ~ First solo Vanenties Day in ELEVEN years J

February 14^th ~ Wrote my first MOG <3 Such positive feedback J

February 16 ~ GoodLife already feels like best friends & family! <3 <3

February 18^th ~ B.C. interview booked!

February 25^th ~ First post submitted to BlogWander… it’s a hit! “I love love LOVE it!” – Gina (my editor!) J

February 26^th ~ candles, roses, chocolates line my driveway. From the front door to a massive gift bag stuffed with David’s Tea and Patron tequila… lol oohhh, Steve.

February 27^th ~ Existentialism <3 *peace*

February 28^th ~ Night in Niagara Falls w Daniel <3 (our secret little getaway, lol) One of our best nights ever…

March 2^nd ~ Oscar Party w Mom! Daisy from Great Gatsby (won best costume design!)

March 5^th ~ Mono L BUT … Possible job opportunity in Bermuda!

March 6^th ~ “And I think you are all kinds of remarkable. Just so you know” - <3 sos

March 7^th ~ drinks + aps w Sarah Sekenda J a fan turned friend! <3

March 11^th – second date with Jake to McD’s! McFlurries & French fries, can’t remember the last time a boy made me laugh so hard J

March 13^th ~ 2 bottles of prosecco + one great makeout session…

March 19^th ~ First night out with the GoodLife girls (Meaghan & Abby!) Trivia @ Bobby’s (with Jake & friends!) J

March 20^th ~ International Day of Happiness! J <3

March 23^rd ~ Late night parking lot burgers and life chats with big bro <3

March 27^th ~ Daniel to Guelph for 4 nights <3 Our last nights together.

April 3^rd ~ I doodled an elephant + it made gym members smile J

April 6^th ~ happiest day with dad + the whole family at the bee farm + Angel’s Diner <3J

April 7^th ~ 1^st date with Michael Barr – steaming up the windows of his car with conversation and giggles as the rain poured down outside all around us.

April 9^th ~ Dog walks with Michael along speed river

April 10^th ~ “Not only did we sing Wagon Wheel, but we danced, right to the very end, and you were smiling, a real free smile, and we twirled, and you were so beautiful. Xo” (guest slip from Katie)

April 11^th ~ Green tea & whiskey work deliveries from Jordan J (he’s the best)

April 12^th ~ Romantic scavenger hunt around Guelph…

April 14^th ~ late night pump with Meag!

April 16^th ~ Secured a place to live in Wollongong, Australia! 10 minutes from the beach J

April 20^th ~ sunshine back deck future travel chats with daddy <3 a very happy Easter xo

April 22^nd ~ Flight to Sydney, Australia … booked!! (May 28!)

April 26^th ~ BABYLINDLEY shower J<3

April 27^th ~ Trip to Balzac’s J <3

May 4^th ~ Full day chats (the last 3 days) with Steve (Bill)… hmm!

May 7^th ~ Hot yoga, + the happiest Thailand FaceTime, all before noon J <3

May 8^th ~ Late night tea date with my M3, Yosh, Mark – lovely walk home (as we always did share) <3

May 11^th ~ late night early summer-feeling walk with Michael <3 (like the good old days)

May 14^th ~ tasted a hops beer tonight that took me allll the way back to Italy … <3

May 15^th ~ woke up to birds chirping today J<3

May 16^th ~ late night sneak-ins… Bill + Sam

May 17^th ~ A slow 2step @ McCabes to Wagon Wheel w Conor Skipper J

May 18^th ~ head stands + sauna chats w Abby <3 <3 gonna miss her tons. <3

May 19^th ~ Spontaneous patio hop, holiday Monday pub crawl… :D

May 24^th ~ GOING AWAY KEGGER :D

May 25^th ~ Menchies & Nathan Loder’s baseball game with Britt Nasso – gorgeous perfect summer weather <3

May 26^th ~ Last shift at GoodLife Fitness. So spoiled with love + laughter + cake + sweaty hugs!! Lol <3 <3

May 30^th ~ First FANTASTIC day in Wollongong <3J I LOVE it here!

May 30^th ~ Daniel booked me a one-way ticket to Thailand in 70 days!!

June 2^nd ~ Bikram Yoga member J

June 4^th ~ Yoga on the beach w the setting sun <3

June 5^th ~ First AMAZING night out in Aus! To the Illawara Hotel for retro night <3 In love w my roomies

June 7^th ~ First south beach sunrise

June 7^th ~ First Australian kiss … J Under the stars, way up high overlooking the ocean.

June 8^th ~ Zooming around Wollongong on the back of motorcycle, sitting at the base of the lighthouse, watching the day disappear… <3

June 9^th – Vivid Sydney!

June 11^th ~ WHALES @ Bundeena!

June 12^th ~ KANGAROOS!!!

June 30^th ~ first morning balcony yoga + inversions in this flawless ‘winter’ sunshine – new apartment!

July 3^rd ~ early 8am runs & beachworkouts. Starting my day staring at the ocean upside down in inversion <3

July 5^th ~ 5:07AM (Aussie time), daddy called me on FaceTime for 45 minutes. I got to be in the delivery room with my big, brave sister as her and her wonderful husband brought their first FLAWLESS baby into this big world. I cried the whole time! They are now settled & healthy, I am so, so happy. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BABY BODEN!! Xoxo <3 SO <3

July 22^nd ~ First day of Equal Playing Field volunteer program J!

July 29^th Just a really nice arvo on the beach with Amy & Pat, reading, studying, laughing w the setting sun J

July 30^th ~ 3^rd surf lesson – first day I caught my own waves (without Azza’s help!)

August 23^rd ~ Of all of the wonderful moments we shared in Thailand this month, making magic in the ocean with only our fingertips was my favourite. Let your heart, sweet heart, be your compass when you’re lost…

September 1^st ~ New Yoga Studio! Younga membership J

September 1^st ~ Coffee & Jesus! (lolJ)

September 5^th ~ First tea date with HellzBellz! Helen from the UK, living here & following my blog! LOVELIEST lady! <3 #instabuds

September 7^th ~ I have experienced Mother’s/Father’s Day in 3 different countries in the last 4 months! … I think that’s neat!

September 7^th ~ Post-sushi/BYOB date drinks at Jef’s … Sailor Jerry on the rocks, candle lit, old vinyl records playing…

September 8^th ~ late night run with Aaron (surf instructor) & ended up filming a proposal!!! Such an incredible moment to be apart of, even with strangers! Wow <3<3<3

September 14^th ~ whisky on the rocks with Jef & Rod Stewart … <3

September 24^th ~ Played hooky from work w Amy in Kiama, cheese cake & coffee by the water, swapping tragic high school stories <3

September 26^th ~ First official direct deposit payday! Bottle of tequila as my first debit purchase … ;)

September 28^th ~ ACRO YOGA! + a fab train around this early summer beach town, topless & shortshorts, feeling GOOD & confident about ME

October 4^th ~ Yours + Owls music festival –getting my friends drunk for free, sneaking kisses in the middle of the live, happy, magic early summer field. Most amazing experience. So, so groovy. ♫

October 11^th – weekend camping in the Blue Mountains w a handful of this world’s most wonderful internationals. Great sights & stellar company.

October 14^th ~ MEAG + LAUR arrive!!!

October 18^th ~ Snowy & Keegan’s beach bday at Stanwell … <3<3 Good weather, great people, sweet drinks around the bonfire, snuggled under a beach towel, getting to know brand new fantastic people. One of my very favourite nights here in Australia. (glowstick bracelet from the night tucked into my box)

October 23^rd ~ 6am, I woke up today and on instinct, all on its own, my mind’s very first thoughts were “I’m grateful. I am so grateful.” <3 Waking up with the sun

October 23^rd ~ sunny arvo protein shakes with Helen <3 swapping life updates, sharing how lucky we feel to have found one another.

October 23^rd ~ RETRONIGHT WTG <3

October 24^th ~ Best 4 hour skype with my best friend & soulmate, sos <3

October 24^th ~ Speak Easy pop up art show / live music & donation drinks w Jef & the boys, me & my girls. Feeling classy & grown up & beautiful & happy. <3

October 25^th ~ weekend escape to the city! Wake Up backpackers & King’s Cross wtg <3 xo

November 1^st ~ … kissed my surf instructor. Aaaand my boss. In the same weekend. oopssorrynotsorryaustraliayoloyikes

November 10^th ~ An old man called me a “beautiful blue-eyed Aussie lassie!” !! I’m an Aussie lassie!! Lol J

November 16^th ~ The most magical night in Australia thus far. Spontaneous mini road trip adventure to Stanwell Tops lookout after dark, climbing down close to the edge, over looking the sparkling town & the roaring midnight ocean, Stanwell beach, where we mysteriously (fatefully?) met, one whole month ago. Laying back into the grass + dirt of the cliff side, tucked close next to one another, staring at our iMAX sphere of stars, following the slow-falling comets with the same eyes, swapping insights + philosophies + ancient myths. And that moment when it clicked into place, and it was time to stop talking + just let that sky settle over us, as we settled into each other, soft & deep, sweet & sure.  He’s such a good one. I’m so bummed this is his last week in town. But way more so than that, I’m so grateful for nights like tonight: watching him sing live, chicken burgers on the beach, spending the night side by side under the bright Aussie stars. Sigh.

November 18^th ~ Early summer fling was TOTALLY worth quitting my day job for ;)

November 19^th ~ Koolabong for last Uni night of the school year + the full res experience...

Novemebr 21^st AM ~ Early morning stroll through the Friday markets, coffee and treats w my Littlest Linda; an arvo at the beach, letting the waves pull us and push us, screaming, giggling like children. My favourite Canadiangirls & my favourite Aussie boy, side by side under the summer sun <3

November 21^st PM ~ The best night in, drinks & card games with Laura, Ata, Trent, Tom, Tim & Meag <3 <3 2am excursion to the beach where we stayed until 6:30am… sitting together on the rocks out seemingly in the middle of the whole ocean... 

November 23^rd ~ First night camping in Bega … witnessing sea souls, lightening waves, the electric ocean in a totally different transcendent state. 

November 27^th ~ I did absolutely nothing today between the hours of 8am and 4pm, but write. <3 <3 #australianmintcovered

November 27^th~ JJs & the new Hunger Games for Amy’s bday J (“I do NOT volunteer as tribute”)

November 28^th ~ 2 hours & 45 minutes on Skype with Nate <3 Just as if we were hanging out back in StKits again. 

December 6^th ~ Waking up to morning FTs with daddy & Josie & lil nugget BO <3<3

December 6^th ~ Another lovely life chat with my mother who often feels more like a best friend. <3 <3

December 9^th ~ Today at the gym someone asked me if I was a gymnast! Another person asked if I was a poll dancer… both equally flattering! ;) xo

December 10^th ~ GNO w KrysiteBabes & Ellz – dancing in giant bar dancefloor puddles, tearing it up to our #1 request (all things Kanye), rolling around on the 2am streets after being ‘kicked out’ of the Grand for starting a barefoot danceparty… LOVE those girls.

December 11^th ~ impromptu lil dinner party for Tim, Tom, Sam, Meag, Trav & Trent – homemade chili & stuffed peppers. Feeling so domestic! Haha. Christmas carols & home cooking <3

December 12^th ~ MtKeira adventure time with the dream team (Tim, Tom, Meag & me!)

December 13^th ~ SANTA CLAUSE PUB CRAWL (DRUNK BY 2PM)

December 19^th ~ First (of many, I’m sure!) Skype w Abby Born! Felt like I was catching up with a best friend of years and years, as if we’d just chatted less than a week ago – haha. Cyberspace/travel/blogger besties J <3

December 20^th ~ EllzBaaabe over for catchups & lifechats & necessary vents until 1am. I’m falling asleep feeling so lucky I met that girl, she’s such a true friend & a beautiful soul

December 21^st ~ BALLPIT SNOW ANGELS. Top 5 best bar moments of the year @ North Gong w my Little Lindy

December 22^nd ~ an arvo at the beach, a well-sweated fitness class, an evening of cookie baking & Christmas card writing <3 *mistel toe doodle*

December 23^rd ~ First shift @ 3 Chimneys! Loving how full circle my little Wollongong life has come (spending my last 3 weeks here working at the very first place I ever visited!)

December 24^th ~ Wicked xmas eve service with Elle @ Salt Church. Man, I am so lucky to have that gorgeous, generous soul in my life. Looking forward to future Salt events!

December 31^st ~ Spending midnight on New Years with the only person I would ever want to: my best friend in the whole entire world. Thank goodness for technology. Thank goodness for her <3

                                                                           ~~~~~
So many wonderful memories, and many I wouldn’t have been able to recall in such detail. I’m so happy I recorded them, and brought them all around the world with me.

I don’t even feel like I could make a genuine, conclusive summary of my year 2014… And I think that is because I spent the entire year reflecting and observing, constantly being aware of what wonder was going on around me, I truly experienced this year, like no other year I’ve ever had before; I was fully alive and present in every single day of it. Somehow, it doesn’t feel like it’s come to an end. And I think that is because even though today reads ‘2015,’ it simply feels like an extension, of my happiest year yet.

“…just imagine who that person will be! Where they will be! And all that has become of him/her in the days since their first paper slip was inserted…” I could not have imagined how incredibly my life would evolve between last January and today.

I really do think this year could be just as magical and captivating as my last, and I can’t wait for every single new opportunity to come my way. As my best friend Katie Kolenko writes, “…I am predicting a lot will be the same, and also nothing will.”

Cheers, New Year xo

Baby, I'll bring Texas to you

I would argue that many of my most significant relationships to date have been long distance. I would freely admit that. Indulge in it, even.

From the very beginning…

The first boy I was ever certain I loved eventually taught me what it was like to be far away from that somebody, and how hard it would be to keep together. I was still in high school then, and he was offered a scholarship to play piano at a university 45 minutes away. Forty-five minutes! That’s hardly anything in retrospect. But when you are fifteen years old, without a car or drivers license, a whole year shy of when your mother was fixed on ‘allowing you to date’, that short trip seems like a million miles away. And pretty soon the trip is made less and less, and that boy you fell in love with that summer, under those constellations & turning streetlights, green-yellow-red, he slips out from your grasp, as the miles and the age gap slowly lead you down individual paths.

Of course it was for the best, and that particular breakup, little could I have ever known back then, would prove to be the most valuable in preparing me for the rest of my wandering life.

When I moved to university myself I had to say goodbye to the second love of my life: my very best friend Brianne Poole. And she moved me into my dorm room, and we hugged and we cried and we told each other nothing would ever change. And in a million ways, nothing ever did. She still holds one of the biggest pieces of my heart, that girl who saved my life in every possible way. The love of long-distance best friends continues to make me the person I am today.

I’ll skip ahead to the boy next door. He was older, enchanting, sweet. He was nervous and subtle, but also the boy who made the single most romantic gesture towards me (and I just watched Love Actually a few days ago, smiling at the big white Bristol boards that are still tucked into the back of my closet back home… a Christmas declaration of his own). People always say This generation will always remember where they were the day the world’s first black man was elected president! Now every time I see Obama, I think of him. I remember lying on my bed, my tiny 1205D bed, just a few days before his scheduled flight back to the UK, and I remember him telling me exactly how I made him feel. And if we might consider it, how he might be able to make me feel in return, even from 6,000 kilometers away.

That was my first international proposition. I was 18 years old, and I knew it wasn’t the right time for me to be packaging up my heart to ship away across an entire ocean just yet, and I am grateful for realizing that before we ever had the chance to break either of them, but I am more grateful that that boy ever made the overseas option a possibility for me… It certainly helped prepare me for my next long-distance challenge.

A few summers later, I was jumping on my own first international flight. It was the most exciting opportunity for me, and I already had all these tingly feelings I would fall head over heels for Italy. I was so happy to be doing in alone, though I wasn’t naïve enough to assume it would be easy. In fact, I had ended the most serious relationship I had ever had only half a year earlier, thinking it would prepare me for this independent journey abroad (one I already knew to be only the first of many). However, as I should have predicted, those months leading up to my take off left plenty of time to get my heart all wrapped up in someone else. Someone old and then new again. Someone who had some unknown pull, some inexplicable potential that I could never seem to let go off. He made it clear he didn’t want things to end simply because I was flying away for four months.

And even when he flew out to meet me that fateful, classic, romantic afternoon in Paris, and even though we had a pretty outstanding few weeks running around Europe (a place we eventually made our home together) after all of our time apart, that time apart came back to haunt us, and the long-distance thing continued to feel like the impossible. Today that same boy can be found pulling heart strings from the orient. Our newest version, unique unto ourselves, of long-distance love. The same unrealistic potential that won’t seem to fade.

And here we are, in the present, as you could guess: I am about to take flight once more. I have found something wonderful and genuine and great here, and in my own true fashion, I am bidding it adieu in only a few short weeks. Weeks which will surely fly, moments which will pass as quickly but as lovely as the breeze, memories that I already know will dissolve and settle deep within my bones. And then I will once again be gone. Away. Long-distance. Apart. And there is no way of telling if it is any match for the distance or not.

I guess all I’ve really learned from each experience is that if you’re even going to consider the dreaded decision of maintaining something ‘long-distance,’ you have to first believe in the ways of the universe, and trust that she will help you work it out in her own best fit. You have to have faith that it will succeed if it’s meant to. You have to be certain unto yourself that it’s even something worthy of consideration and then maintenance and dedication and loyalty. You have to be with someone you truly trust, completely and absolutely.

But what I can’t seem to distinguish is the difference between needing all of those things long-distance, when surely they are still the most significant and necessary factors of any relationship, no matter how near or far that person is. I know the miles make a difference, but if your heart is in the right place, it really shouldn’t make or break.

And those of you who really know me will be reading this unsettled, worried about the conclusive tone of these paragraphs, and maybe I’ve come to the end of this post, this particular topic, this so-obvious theme, without addressing that single most significant long-distance relationship in my entire young life. A relationship that continues on through to this very day, even though the miles between us now are unimaginable and unattainable.  

I am not ready to write our story. Because I’m not sure I’ll ever feel it appropriate to try to force myself to summarize any of it. Or contain it to paper and pen, keyboard and document. I don’t know how to construct proper sentences to demonstrate what we shared across the miles. I’m scared if I ever truly tried, it would be my biggest disappointment to date.

But since this topic only really exists because of him, because of our long-distance love story, since he is the center of it all (and continues to be, when it comes to anything significant in my life); since the arrival of this tiny gold chain and pendant are what even sparked these thoughts… Maybe I will give it a try to give us a voice.

I have never stopped to put real words together, because I know none of them will do any of it justice. I have barely written soberly on the subject in my own private journal. He didn’t get so much as a Facebook status. I have been selfish. I have wanted to keep our memories for me. And perhaps, I just couldn’t find the words. I am confident in the fact that I knew him in ways that other people were not lucky enough to know him. Yes, I knew his contagious smile, and those huge gorgeous eyes, and that slight southern drawl he acquired, the same way others knew those things. But he and I also knew a long-distance ache. We knew an unwavering desire, an unmistakable pull towards each other. We were fire and gasoline; the most dangerous part of every holiday or summer season, whenever we were in the same country again. Even those fifteen hundred kilometers that separated us the majority of the year were bad news...

And I loved him. Admittedly, in a way that I did not know existed until he was gone. Until he was gone, and this massive piece of me was gone with him.

But I’ve been talking to him, as frequently as ever. When I heard the news three Augusts ago, our latest interaction (which was always unpredictable and sporadic) was so recent that I still had our BBM conversation open. I didn’t know who to talk to, and most of the time I still don’t. I never sat down and talked to anyone about this, or about him. Unless you count the many sad nights after a trip to the Ranch, conversations I can’t remember. I didn’t know who to talk to. I didn’t know who, in my world, would understand. Again, selfish.

But that was the thing: I shared something with him that was almost entirely only ours. It was never fully accepted or understood by his friends, and I never had the chance to truly know his family. It was just me & him, in our own little world. It was more of a sneak-in/sneak-out summer romance that took off on us, and became something we never could have expected, or known how to control. He was my biggest weakness. I’ve had a lot of really great guys in my life, and he was the threat to all of them.

In some ways, I feel he still is.

And I’ve told him this. I kept BBMing him. And I know that sounds crazy, and I feel crazy for it, but he was the only one who I felt would understand. Now, having gotten rid of my blackberry (saving that conversation in my files), I have a note in my new phone that reads over 13,900 words. I could publish a short story of the words I've written to him. But still, here and now, I can’t seem to lace the sentences together properly.

So I close my eyes…

I’m in a car, parked in that abandoned lot, overlooking that baseball field, with my windows down. There is a mild Canadian summer breeze blowing over my face and into my lungs, deep, fulfilling. I don't want to see anything I don't want to talk to anybody I just want to be here with you. Here. Where only a few years ago, you were driving these streets, living in this city. This world. Now I'm not sure where you are. And I want to believe so badly that it is you I feel falling across my face and filling my lungs, my soul. But I don't know if that's possible. What I do know is that wherever you are, I bet you like to hang out in these kinds of places. Old baseball fields, worn out diamonds. Summer skies and peace. I feel calm here. And maybe that is you. Maybe it is you I feel when I feel this calm.

I wish you were here. I wish we were together, in that big empty field, or this empty car. And I am taken back to another time spent together in another car. And that was the best time. No Christmas Eve will ever (ever) beat ours. It was my most romantic evening, to date. What I wouldn't give to be living in those midnight moments, sneaking out to your car, to that abandoned school parking lot, seats down in the back of your station wagon, your Texas compilation mix CD playing on repeat. You knew every word, and you sang them into my soul. You swept my heart away all over again. It was my very first two-step, you spun me in that winter wind storm. And we made promises and we made love and I knew even back then: nothing would come close.

Or the time in your family's minivan parked at our original baseball diamond, the diamond where we laid together on the pitchers mound until the sun came up the next morning, only a couple of weeks after we’d really even met each other. You took me back there the following winter, and you turned to me and told me you weren't afraid anymore, and then you told me three more words. Those three words.

Or the time we spent in your car a few more years later, atop Water Street. And Kenny sang us 'Somewhere with You,' and we both vowed the lyrics to be true and you kissed me, even though you shouldn't have. And I kissed you back, even though I shouldn't have. Because that seemed to be all we ever knew.

I guess, thinking back on it now, it wasn’t so much a love we shared over any distance, but how strong the distance made that love every time we got to be near again. Of course, the past two and a bit years have been the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing you. And those years will keep adding, and I think in some way, our way, this love will also keep getting stronger. You are further away from me now than you have ever been before, but I still feel those memories as clear as day, whenever I let them flow back through my veins. Sometimes, I swear I even feel you right next to me.

But I still miss you, just as strongly as ever before. I miss you like I missed you instantly when you pulled out of my driveway after shedding tears that last day of summer 2008. Like I missed you during first year when we shared a long distance longing for one another. Like I missed you when we broke beneath that, and broke up. Or how I missed you after every single holiday season came to an end you flew back down south. I miss you like I have since the moment I heard the news in Trafalgar Square that August 4^th when my whole world cracked and shattered. I miss you with every fiber of my being, with every inch of my soul, and every ounce of my heart. It's still yours.

I want to send all of my love back home, to everyone else I miss deeply. I hope you all know how much you mean to me, and how that will never waver with this distance. Mostly though, I hope you get to be near the ones you love tonight.

xoko
(this one's for you)

A Happy International Holiday,

To me, Christmas means family and warmth and love. Today I am away from my home country on this very special day for the first time in my life. However, in my world’s own unique way, I was still blessed with all three of those wonderful things.

I think family can mean a multitude of things, and today my friends became my family. My blonde Canadian sisters and the extended connections I’ve made around town. The beautiful, heartfelt messages I received from each significant Aussie I’ve ever met here, they came pouring in to remind me that even when blood relatives are hundreds of thousands of miles away, that feeling of family can come to you in many different ways. I am so incredibly grateful for the facetimes and the Skypes I’ve already had with my parents and my sister back home, but I am also wildly content with my perfect little family here.

This Christmas I felt warmth in an entirely different way than ever before! Instead of warm apple cider rum with cinnamon in mom’s living room, or the toasty ambers of dad’s fireplace, today was hot, deep, gorgeous summer sun soaking right into my skin on a flawless morning trip to the beach. Today was warm, salty ocean waves splashing over my sandy limbs, penetrating, radiating right down to my core. Even now, as the clouds have rolled over & the sky is rumbling deep, the evening is still sultry. Few things beat the feeling of walking barefoot in a summer shower. Warm pavement, bath water under your feet. Everything is smooth, everything is soft, with no umbrella, it is felt deep down to my bones. Happy, smiley bones.

All of this, in combination with an incredible home cooked meal, conversations in laughter and celebration, Champaign cheers & old Nat King Cole, makes me feel love. Every single kind of love: love in gratitude, love in recognition, love in peace and remembrance, love in freedom, love in possibility and opportunity, love in wonder, love in how-did-I-get-so-lucky? I feel long-distance love, from the orient, from my native land, from all of the countries in the world I have lived and met people to share some kind of love with. I feel love in myself, for getting myself here to this happiest life possible for me. And for every single soul that helped me to be this incredibly happy, even when I am way over here for this special holiday. I love being here.

There was no snow, there were no presents to unwrap, there was no wifesavers breakfast, or little ClayBoy with his Christmas bell collar. There was no candy cane ice cream or sunshine walk through the winter wonderland that is the speed river trail. There was no Hanson Snowed In, and there were no magical moments with my beautiful nephew on his very first Christmas Day. But there was family, and there was warmth, and there was love.

It is all I need :)

xo,

Merry Everything and Happy Always