Ever-changing; nothing's changed.

Friday, September 19^th

Perspective.

It's a brilliant 5am playlist of Coldplay and Andrew Ford and Death Cab for Cutie. I'm watching the sky above the ocean turn pink to my left, over a calm, cool, rich blue, tucked hidden behind a silhouette of trees that line the track.

I'm thinking about impermanence.

Actually, I was thinking about the woman's automated voice telling me which stop is coming next. And that only always makes me think about Piccadilly and Cockfosters and that time you let the doors close between us. And you stood smiling, waving goodbye. It is still a happy memory, to still see our various adventures so crystal clearly, but this morning it makes me feel quite like that big body of water passing by my right; cool, still, blue.

Impermanence. The temporary, fleeting nature of any one's life. Of any form of existence. How we only hold temporary jobs, or meet periodical friends, or get to use the words I Love You again, just for a few days of it feeling right. And then it has changed once more, and the rest of our worlds pour in, and it becomes unnatural again. And our friends grow outwardly and move away, and our professional satisfaction runs dry. We're only ever left running these 24 hour races from the beginning again.

Scars heal

the tide has turned.

With this rambling soul in an ever-changing world, I begin to wonder what really matters. Will anything ever stick? Will I find that something that I will want to do or be or love forever? Will I know it when I find it? Will I treat it accordingly? Will it be effortless to do so? Will it choose me in return? And more troublesome is the fact that these thoughts are even creeping inwardly (and before the sun has even fully risen). I am a Next Week girl, a One-Way Ticket girl, a Left The ‘Long Term Goals’ Section Blank On My Career Development Worksheet girl. I take comfort in the unknown. In not having to know. The only thing I trust in this world is the universe getting me to exactly where I’ll need to be, exactly when I’ll need to be there. I work hard, I try my best to smile every day, I keep myself healthy, I am kind and grateful to everyone in my world, and in return I believe the universe will work herself out for me. I have always found comfort in her impermanence.

Perspective.

To see things clearly. Often, to have things knocked into focus. A week ago today, my life could have changed forever. A week ago I could have been permanently changed. Wrecked. A week ago today, I could have lost arguably the single most important person in my young world. I’ve spent these past 7 days pushing away these thoughts of impermanence, where one time they would have brought me condolence. But impermanence does not always offer a slow, comfortable, natural evolution. It can pounce on us without the slightest warning, and destroy our very core believe that everything will always be okay. We are not invincible. We are not forever.

And now one week later, my focus has shifted once more. Perspective. You can do anything in the world to prevent those things from slipping away, you can be all you can and give all you have and glue every fragment of your shattered existence back together, but it won’t stick. It can’t be helped. You cannot hold on, no matter how white your knuckles are clenched; this world keeps turning. And never in the backwards direction that we sometimes need it to. In the end, I can only be so much, and do so much, and offer so much. But that changes nothing between us.   

Perspective.

It was just an accident. It changes nothing.