New month, new reasons to smile

September 1^st, 2014!

Today is an exciting day! Today is a BEAUTIFUL day (it seems I brought the warm, sunny weather home with me – you’re welcome Wollongong!). I made a big decision today, and while it took me half of a 90-minute class of internal debate to reach this decision, I am so keen to get a start on this new little path.

Since the last couple of days have left me feeling a little out of place here, the decision, in the end, was really quite simple: make a change. Or make some changes! Change as much or as little as necessary to feel new again, to feel excited and motivated and challenged. I reckon it is just about rearranging your life into new routines when things start to feel stiff; it’s about setting new expectations of yourself and your world, and finding brand new sources of inspiration for knowing it is all going to be well & good!

Today, I decided (brace yourselves) … to join a new yoga studio! Menial and insignificant to many of you, sure! But for me, this is a big deal. It’s a big deal because my practice is of the top 3 most favourite things I even do with my life. It’s a big deal because I am still working at the Bikram studio, so I get those classes for free! It’s a big deal because a new studio offers a new vibe and new regulars and new instructors that can always leave even the most experienced of yogis feeling a little bit shy.

But alas, Amy and I ventured to the Younga Yoga Studio this morning and felt instantly welcomed and wonderfully encouraged. They are still longer classes, but they are diverse and rearranged into new routines each week (while Bikram is the exact same orderly 26 poses class after class). Also, they play music! Ed Sheeran & Passenger really caught my attention. What sold me though was the instructors mini handstand workshop mid-class! My personal goal of the last 8 months. And while it took me 5 months to nail the forearm stand with various modifications (including sticking it on a wavy surf!), I am still so determined to be strong enough to hold that balance perfectly. ALSO, if those things didn’t already do it for me, there is a 1-day AcroYoga class offered at the end of this month and that is a dream come true, people. This couple hosting the class travels all over the world to give their workshop and I have only ever wanted to be lifted and bent and twisted by some strong and capable yogi. I am literally setting a countdown on my phone for this event. Lol :)

It is in the littlest things that I will find my happy here again, so so easily. It’s a new shade of pink on my toe nails, it’s the perfect 8tracks outside on this sunshiny balcony. It’s spending 7 Sunday evening hours in the living room with my roommate procrastinating and conversing and watching Sex and the City (like the good ol’ days as 134J sat around our TV room … “studying”). It’s saying yes to a date in Sydney to catch an NRL rugby game this Thursday! And planning a wild girls night out Wednesday. And booking in for my next surf lesson. And phone interviews for renowned tutoring centers! And facetimes from Baby Bo in Myrtle Beach :)

Today feels good. Today feels really, really good. I reckon any day you begin with 90 minutes of yoga & then a bowl of raw oats, almonds, chia seeds & organic honey is bound to do that to you! I’m off now to the Gong’s new outdoor café with Amy & Liz (her book has been absolutely soul-changing, by the way).

Have the happiest of Mondays, ya’ll!

See You Soon's...

…And a lovely few remaining days together as well. Monday was a trek up to the jungle mountain house of our Irish mate’s for a BBQ & beers and then a trip into the town of Lamai. A busy little party town, even for a Monday (this is a holiday island after all). Straight to Shamrock’s for a few of their Shamrock Specials (5 different kinds of alcohol combining to taste like fruit juice… dangerous) & live music! This fantastic Thai band covering everything from Tina Turner to P!nk to Eric Clapton – such a blast. We duck into Woody’s down the street and end up in our own pool tournament (with two local women) until after 1 in the morning.

Tuesday I got to play a familiar role I actually missed: cheerleader for that sports guy who is always apart of some team every single season of the year. It was familiar and happy. It was also really cool to watch a dozen international guys come together with a small handful of local Thai men in a friendly football match. Dinner at Jano’s has become our regular, home to a movie and early bedtime after our previous late night out.

Wednesday came all too quickly. Suddenly it is my final night on the island. (How?) I get to get all dolled up for dinner and a trip into Cheweng for buckets and hookah at Ark Bar before the famous Lady Boy show at Starz Burlesque Theatre. Good conversation + good company with our sweet smoke, and such a neat experience at the show! So many impressive performances, even if we didn’t recognize many of the songs! Worth the attraction though, for sure. So many different dynamics of this culture is what keeps it so intriguing for me. It’s been an awesome few days with those boys, and I already know I’ll be envious of their continued wild experiences to come, even after I’m long gone.

 I am remembering back to August 11^th, those distinct moments I made sure to identify and appreciate: the beginning. Standing, gazing out the back of that speedboat from the Donsak pier to the island. I was so happy to finally be here, to have made it all this way with the full day of travel behind me, and 2 dozen wonderful ones ahead of me. I didn’t know how I would feel about any of it back then (back then which literally feels like ages ago, and at the same time, like it was just yesterday…); I hadn’t felt the island sand under my toes, I hadn’t tasted the different spices and flavours of Thailand, I hadn’t set eyes on him again yet. I knew this night would come, and I knew it would come quickly, but that doesn’t usually make it much easier. I’m not sure I’ll know how I truly feel about this being the end (once more) until I’m en route out of here tomorrow afternoon. God knows I’ll be trying my best to find the positives, to feel the best possible way about leaving.

Thursday, August 28^th

3pm, from Bangkok Airways VIP lounge. Sipping chocolate milk, listening to planes take off directly above me, sheltered from the howling winds & rain of my departure day, reading ‘Miss you<3’ messages already. Sigh. But I have to hold on to this feeling that it is time. That 17 days was the exact right amount of days, and now I am ready to escape this holiday bubble and return to my still newly developing solo, exciting Aussie life. This was the first major travel I ever took where ‘returning home’ wasn’t actually my Canadian home. That feels good though, it makes all of this feel even more real – this life that I have surely established for myself: this life abroad.

But, gosh, where to begin in reflection of my time here…

Thailand was phenomenally good-looking. One of the most aesthetically pleasing environments I have ever spent such a significant amount of time (and I do consider 17 days significant. If it is technically the majority of the month, it deserves to be deemed significant. Never mind all of the other actual reasons it was such a significant time here…) It was the kind of beautiful that you sometimes have to look for, but then completely suddenly, it swallows you whole.

Thailand was feeling foreign and misplaced, which makes it all the more exciting and majestic. It is unknown and uncertain; it is begging to be explored. I suppose I can only speak for Koh Samui and its dear surrounding sister islands, but in 2 and a half short weeks here, I can already recognize the feeling of undiscovered potential. As if any single side street could hold the island’s best green curry soup, or behind any given row of rented bungalows could be the most surreal place to catch the sunrise. Or maybe in some parts of this island, that midnight ocean magic longs to come alive all year round. There is so much more here, more than 17 days allow for uncovering. But the details it revealed to me during my stay here, they were certainly captivating. It’s how I am departing with this tickling, lingering feeling that I might just be back someday, perhaps to this exact island.

Thailand has been recognition; it is acceptance, it is closure. At least for this time being. And it feels so relieving, so liberating to be at peace with that feeling. No matter how long this feeling of willing, compliant conclusion lasts, at least I know it exists. And I may have to search for this feeling, dig deeply down into my soul to retrieve this feeling, especially in the closer days to come, and most likely still many weeks and months down the line, but being present in this here moment fills me full of hope.

It is what it is. Things are the way they are. This is life, and it moves onward, one foot before the other, step after step, day after day, from moment to moment we are here and we are enduring and we are prospering and we are learning to be in the ways which are best for us, here in our current, individual little worlds. Our paths keep on forming, our souls keep on growing, who we are meant to be is in constant development, and for now, we are simply meant to repeat our goodbyes. If it weren’t so, it wouldn’t be. We are here right now to give kisses farewell. To wish good luck and good health and exchange words of love and hope. Because there will always be hope. Hope for the universe opening itself back up to us, giving us the chance to be our best possible versions of ourselves to and for each other. That time is just not this time. And that is okay.

And whether that time even ever comes, cannot be a concern for me. All that I will allow my mind to wrap itself around is this time, this specific moment and nothing further than that. I did such a fantastic job at being completely and entirely present during this most recent of great escapes, and I know that it was a huge factor in making this trip so enjoyable. At times, I was scared that being so present, being so ignorant of all things which would have needed to eventually be sorted (and I suppose still do), was going to make those things that much more impossible to endure. But then I would breath deep, and pull my mind back to only here and now.

Right here and right now, I am happy. I am happy with what I learned this month, I am happy with how I handled that information and those pieces of proof, I am happy with the way things were left. There was no possible alternative. It is what it is, all you can do is choose to accept that; to understand there is no controlling the ways of this world, and to choose happiness through absolutely all of it anyway. There are way too many reasons to still be so happy. And more so, there is so much potential to continue being even happier than I have ever been before. I know this. I believe the best is yet to come. After all, isn’t believing in that an absolute requirement in this life?

 Friday, August 29^th – Touchdown in Sydney

I know I am already just incredibly exhausted. I hardly ever sleep longer than 20 full minutes on a red eye, I am working my regular shifts this weekend which means 22 hours in the next 3 days. Thinking about that makes me exhausted, so I know that has a huge impact on this. But I thought it worth noting that in this moment now, I don’t feel so happy. Suddenly it feels so weird filling out my immigration card as a returning resident, and I’m scared that it won’t actually feel liberating or independent heading back to my ‘home’ here. It sort of just makes me feel lost, or alone. Leaving a boy who always felt like home, and not even returning to my actual home. I think it will be tough, and I am already in anticipation of that fish-out-of-water feeling.

I know in time I will be okay, and I will feel all of the things I already wrote about again soon, but it’s worth noting that it will take time, it will take a hell of a fighting effort, it will take strength and bravery and dedication to that happier life. I’m almost certain I can do this. I only wish I didn’t miss him already. And I wish it weren’t overcast and wet here on platform 4. It’s been raining. It feels like England. That feeling so distinct, creeping through my soul, leaving bits and pieces of uncertainty in its trailing path. It’s going to be okay – of course it’s going to be okay. I will sleep, I will shake this off, I will snap out of it.

While there are no set plans, while there will be no progressive efforts between us, there are also no doubts that we will meet once again, for our next grand adventure. Someday again, as soon as this universe permits.

{Full video here}

SUP, Bob Marley, Infinity Pools, Mountain Climbing, Ocean Magic: My escapades through Thailand continue...

…To soundly sum up my ideal day of adventure (or any given day of a most perfectly-imagined life for myself): it is sun-kissed and well-worn, it is lightly sand-dusted, and soundly sleeping, it is a casual left foot, hanging comfortably (almost lazily) out of this windowless tug boat. Waves gently rolling away from our loudly humming engine (which laces itself with the happy sounds of authentic Thai music, and the occasional crew member's singing voice, though of course this is absent from a still photograph). It is a handful of sailor knots holding an anchor in place close enough to touch, underneath a cotton-ball-puffed sky. Ancient nail rust runs dry down the white windowless frame, layers of fading past voyages, ill-remembered journeys, peeling away to the peeking wood beneath. It is clearly a conclusion; tired limbs & drying swimmers. It feels as it looks: accomplished, fulfilled, sustained - worthy of this brief moment of simple gratitude and recognition. 

Many, many days have passed since my last post. Days filled with some of the most spectacular moments of my abroad life. To my greatest dismay, it would be impossible to chronicle all of them. I will of course attempt to go back and recall my most favourite of hours…

Thursday afternoon is one I will cherish for a long time to come. How entirely enjoyable it was, how perfectly it fit into my list of ‘Things I Want’ that I had complied in my final post before leaving England, and the irony of the fact that I spent this afternoon with a man I met while teaching there in Southampton. Daniel is so lucky to have such a great new connection on the island, a true friend and a wonderful soul that I feel lucky enough having only gotten a few quick hours of him to myself!

It was that stimulating, intellectual conversation that is only bred and born through conversations of fellow travellers. Just to sit and listen to all of the places he has been and all of the things he has seen, experienced, endured, grown through, survived… it was utterly inspiring. In fact, I have never felt more inspired than in those hours to create something real for myself. To uncover someway to perfectly compile all of my own sights and experiences and survival stories, more than just what I do here. It made me want to write something, for real. To really really do it instead of just thinking I will eventually do it someday...

I am so happy he is here, and making the absolute most of what his hard work and dedication back in England has now given him the opportunity to do. I love already knowing how much he is going to adore this life here. I sat and listened in awe of his tales, his opinions, his ideas and his conclusions, hearing so much of my own wandering soul in the words that he spoke. He is somebody I never had the chance to know very well in England, and I am so glad for that. Because coming together on this day, as mere small-world acquaintances, made the significance of our encounter here that much more wonderful to me.

Since this afternoon, I only had a small handful of additional opportunities to spend time with this Irishman, but I am so happy to have gotten to be apart of many wonderful nights that will undoubtedly become routine for those two lads I’m leaving here. I am already envious of all of their future Shamrock Special nights!

Saturday was an awesome start to another incredible weekend – I’d say this one even tops our first! It was early English (ish) breakfast before a couple hours of paddle boarding our home turf beach here. The weather was so fantastic, but the waves were bigger than any I’ve SUP-ed before! It was such a fun challenge trying to stick my poses and chase each other around the surf.

We reward our physical activity efforts with a trip back to Grandfather Rock for more coconut ice cream and then Rock Bar for tall, cold drinks and easy Marley tunes. We share our smoke with two young men from Paris, and two slightly older ones from India; an idyllic gathering of diverse cultures and distances travelled. Those are my most favourite moments in life: being one part of those brief, spontaneous, cross-cultural meetings, sharing casual conversation and sweet island bud with complete strangers who share the same love of international interaction. The most perfect of relaxing afternoons.

And then we had my absolute favourite few hours of this whole trip. We drove up to Gecko Bar in Bo Phut Hills for a completely secluded and private evening of San Miguel and top shelf tequila. How there was no one else there on a Saturday evening, I still can’t understand – while Daniel tried to convince me he’d rented the mansion out for us for the evening, lol, it made much more sense that it was just the universe’s way of giving us one completely quintessential, intimate evening to just ourselves. The view was absolutely stunning, the infinity pool bath-water-warm from the day’s sun, the tequila crisp and refreshing, the satellite radio bumping Coldplay and Taylor Swift and Match Box 20 and just about every other artist that could have made this flawless evening even more unparalleled.

It was the kind of picture-perfect evening that reminded me exactly why I travel. It is in these rare moments of absolute utopia that I recognize travel does what good novelists also do to the life of everyday; placing it like a picture in a frame or a gem in its setting, so that the intrinsic qualities are made more clear. Travel does this with the very stuff that everyday life is made of, giving to it the sharp contour and meaning of art. This bar, this evening, this feeling is a work of art. There is meaning and beauty and significance here in these moments that could only ever be captured internally, but fostered forever. I know that if I am ever in doubt or in need of reassurance or inspiration or explanation for this wild and wandering life I’ve chosen, I will think back to this day, to this evening, to this view, to this boy, to this feeling of absolute certainty.

And just when I thought the day could not get any more stimulating or imaginative, we spent the midnight hours making magic with our fingertips in the ocean, captivating our own minds, enchanting our spirits without explanation for the tiny bolts of actual, twinkling luminosity. Little sparks of reflective bubbles, some sort of electric kinesthetic energy that remains mysterious and mystical, like a secret power exclusive to us. We made that magic and it was ours and it will belong for us to hold in the most sacred of places in our hearts: the parts that still believe.

Sunday was such a classic Daniel/Kelsey day of adventure. It was full of physical activity, exploring the unknown, achieving goals, being the best, getting dirty, drinking beers, taking risks. Doing stuff. And there is no one I better enjoy doing stuff with than that adventure buddy. We were up bright and early to hop a boat to Ang Thong for a full day trip around the National Marine Park (a series of islands with various sights to see, caves to explore and mountains to climb!

And that is just how we started the trip: with a slippery 500 meter climb up to the very top of Ko Wua Talap, through mud and rocks and vines and forest, with only one weather-worn rope to pull ourselves vertically through the brush. And we conquered that thing! Ripped up that mountain in 30 minutes flat, and were the only ones of our whole 80-some-odd-person tour to make it to the top! Felt so good. And the view from the top? Puts practically anything else I’ve ever seen with my own two eyes to shame. That’s something I’ll give this country over any other I’ve been to so far (which is saying a lot because I have seen some incredibly beautiful parts of this world!!): the views. Oh man, the views.

We caught our breath under the beating sun and snapped a few dozen pieces of proof for the glorious accomplishment. That’s the kind of stuff I love. Doing that kind of stuff, stuff that isn’t easy, or even relatively safe! The adrenaline, the uncertainty, the complete faith you have to put into nature and into yourself, in your body strength and your mental endurance. Wiping sweat out of my eyes, covered knee-deep in fresh mud, using muscles only seemingly reserved for adventures such as this… That is my favourite stuff to do. And I know it’s Daniel’s too. We had an absolute blast.

After lunch that was served back on our boat (deserving of a 5-star rating for sure!), we’re scooted around to another island, Ko Paluay, for kayaking. In and around the cluster of islands, under mountain lips and through caves, it is another gorgeous perspective to be able to experience. To see the beauty of this world here from those angles, from almost-eye-level of the ocean, looking up at each island mountain towering above, and looking below to all different colours and shapes of coral (& jelly fish!). I rode mostly shotgun to my handsome captain, taking in the sights in selfies and cannon videos.

Next we’re climbing another mountain to reach the top of the Emerald Lagoon lookout point. The climb is up a series of staircases wonderfully combined into the natural landscape of the karst, threading through a narrow opening in the rock face at one point. Though there are man-made steps to this peek, they are so steep that you must climb them as a ladder, and only hope to not lose your footing! Exhausting, but another entirely worthy view upon arrival. A slow and sweaty decline, seeking shaded refuge and a much-deserved cold Chang.

Soon it is 4pm and we are drained beyond believe, but we are full with content and accomplishment and beautiful new images dancing around our short-term memories. We board our tugboat home. Daniel sleeps and I gaze, out this windowless vessel, reflecting on the various escapades of the day, feeling grateful for these opportunities, and so happy to still have that travel buddy, snoozing here next to me. It is the sandy left foot hanging out of the window frame, it is waves gently rolling, cotton-ball-puffed sky, my ideal day of adventure.

It was a wonderful last weekend here – a perfect final few full days together.

thaimintcovered - My 3-week journey to Koh Samui, Thailand

August 10th, 3:52pm

I am 1 minute into my first leg (/1937) of this journey and while I always think I'm a good traveler, there are already a dozen 'I'm an idiot' or 'wow I really should have...' thoughts going through my head. Like for instance, I didn't even consider that it's Sunday and there might not be an attendant at the train station to answer my dozen questions or break my $50. How does a successful traveler NOT know to bring small bills?? No worries, the ticket machine at my station was broken, so none of us paid (I'm certain this was not a lucky break and a chance to save $20, but will come back to haunt me later on this train trip).

This is not at all the tone I meant to start this adventure on! Unfortunately, it has been the toughest couple of days of any and all possible pre-trip mishaps. From not being able to retrieve my prepaid Thai baht, to running out of mobile credit, to having my airport ride fall through last minute, which only made my 7 hour work shift this morning that much more stressful, knowing I literally had 20 minutes to dash home, change, grab my luggage and run to he train station -- so! Forgive my tone, I promise it will change. It will change now because I choose it to and because I'm sick of feeling this stressed and anxious, these feelings have become completely foreign to me since moving to Aus, I literally have not felt them once until this week of planning and financing. I will focus on the positives:

- I have a 'personal item' big enough to fit two books, my laptop, all of my cords & snacks! Though it is back breaking, I am praying the airport doesn't question it since I'm not checking my smaller suitcase.

- I have a doggie bag full of apple pancakes from my Indian cooks at the restaurant! 'Travel snacks!' Bless them.

- I woke up early this morning to finally download my accumulating list of new country!! New music is a godsend.

- I somehow snagged a single seat on this packed train which is situated on it's own, so it's got room for my luggage to stay with me.

- BODEN STARTED SUCKING HIS BLANKIE TODAY!! Wow, my sister sent me that pic and I nearly died. He is his aunt's nephew and I MISS him! I just keep staring at his beautiful lil sucky face <3

- I got to see my best's gorgeous face last night, which makes everything better. Hers being the last face I see before any major travel has become something of a tradition. Goodness, I miss her so much it hurts.

- this coastal train trip is spectacular. These ocean views... I live in Australia... Sometimes I still can't believe that. :)

It worked! I do feel heaps better. I know this because our first stop loaded up 2 dozen primary school kids on some field trip and they donnn't even irritate me (while I can't say the same for their escort).

5:30, made it to the airport! 4 hours early! (Lol) That is one thing I have never complained about: waiting around an airport. I'd much rather be here 5 hours early than cutting it close! And with track work warnings and the way things had been going lately, I didn't want to risk anything. Oh, by the way, that mean man at the airport gates caught that I didn't have a ticket & wouldn't even give me the student rate! Humph, lol. Soo now I wait an hour for my check in to open, I pray all of my email print outs are enough information to get my tickets (all 3 plane tickets between now and tomorrow!) and thennn I will feel worlds less stressed.

830, having charged my phone back to 100%, sitting with Liz, listening to airplanes roar in and out of my terminal (the most soothing and calming of sounds that exist in my world), taking final escape requests, sharing in a genuine, caring Facebook farewell.

8:30pm,

About to board for Malaysia. A series of thoughts I don’t wish to explain.

I’m reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s Committed and this first reading is coming at such a significant ‘moment’ in my life (as all of her reads usually do). I am about to take flight to see the young man who I was most certain I’d spend the rest of my life with, happily pond-hoping, hand in hand, forever more. That reality came to a crashing halt 9 whole months ago. Even the idea of it has drastically diminished, withered away to an after-thought, slowly faded into the most private of corners in my heart.

I have become the anti-committed. I have become so resistant to it. A serial dater, establishing on each and every first date (how romantic) that I am in no way shape or form interested in anything beyond casual. Nothing more than fun, being only (and strictly) a temporary individual. Fleeting, rambling, leaving. It is the only thing I am sure of about myself: I am no longer tied to any other individual – and I absolutely adore this aspect about my life. I never knew how much I loved not being intertwined with another, simply because I had never experienced it before (not since I’m 13 and falling in love for the first time).

I don’t answer to anyone. Sometimes I don’t even answer anyone! Texts, phone calls, inbox messages can go days and days and no one can even be mad about it. I can cancel a date last minute. I can change plans, I can drop everything. I can catalogue browse tinder any night of the week if the previous nights have left me restless or unsatisfied. I can flirt with my surf instructor(s). I can wear absolutely whatEVER I want, because I am not trying to impress anyone or gain any kind of specific attention. I can order a BigMac & end the night alone! I can not end the night alone. I can train twice a day, or I can take a week off and not worry about what anyone else might think of my body. Maybe I won’t shower today. Maybe I wont shave my legs this week! MAYBE I’ll sit in bed all day long and watch Gilmore Girls and be completely over the moon content with my time spent!

I took up surfing to help occupy my time with something that was not dating (…and because I really really wanted to learn), and after just a month of it, I already know I’d pick a solo arvo of good waves over lunch with a cute boy. I envy the people around me at the airport here carrying the massive surf luggage to be checked; I want to be oneof those people! Not the couple in line in front of me kissing and holding hands. I want to explore cities for myself (like I have been!) I want to learn languages by meeting (etc.) interesting people. I want to be the ‘new girl’ forever more, because absolutely nothing beats the feeling of that newness becoming familiar, when I start to feel like I actually belong in one place, a local of sorts. And then I get bored of that too, and I am free to move on :)

I am free! That is what it is. I am free to do and be absolutely any single thing I want to do or be or not do or not be. I really like that. I feel so entirely comfortable in my single skin, that I can’t imagine giving it up for the trials and tribulations of relationships. For the chance that things might be different or better this time. The drama, the expectations, the disappointments, the schedules, the devotion, the skewed peripherals of only being allowed to see that one person and plan for a life that follows that one path.

There are about a million problematic things coming out of this stream of consciousness, I know. I am picking them out as quickly as I am proclaiming them. I know that relationships are not all just let downs and arguments and the bore of monogamy. I just feel that I am at a place in my life where I need to be over-stimulated. I have not found any one thing that held my attention much longer than a few dates, or even upwards of a few months. Great guys; smashing Aussie guys and some real winners back home too. There has been nothing disappointing in the company I’ve kept since developing my new life here. But that is because I establish myself in this life, and with all of these people, as the temporary: the fleeting, rambling, unexpectedly leaving girl. The way I see it, I move on perfectly quickly enough to not let these guys disappoint me, or bore me. Or me to disappoint and bore them! I don’t just want a great guy! I think I want a guy in my life so little, that I have created the most impossible version of my ‘next boyfriend.’ On purpose (of course, because why make things easy for myself). He is about a million things, but I can sum him up in one notion: he is inspiring. I need to feel inspired by him.

And right now, my life, my adventures, my hobbies, my pass times, my plans are inspiring enough.  I simply have no interest in letting anything develop in a way in which I might then disappoint that great guy. I could wake up 2 weeks or 10 months or 12 years down the road (married and expected to have children, like Liz was), and have the sudden urge to flee. And I want to be able to, without completely devastating another individual. I don’t have a fear of getting attached to another human being again (because I know I won’t, at least not in the way I used to think was appropriate. All in thanks to my recent and continued journey through Buddhism). I have not once in this rant talked about how unworthy love is when compared to how awful it is when it ends. I can deal with that, I know I can survive any kind of heart break (because I already have). It’s the not wanting to uproot the emotions of another individual anymore that keeps me so hesitant. More than anything in the world I do not want to ever be held responsible for inflicting or instilling or even influencing a single negative vibe in another human being.

I may sound like the most selfish version of myself to date (saying a lot) through all of this. But in fact, I could (and am) willingly sacrificing perhaps the most ‘rewarding’ virtue of life – allowing oneself to develop real, genuine, honest, futile, lasting feelings for another human being – because I can’t imagine ever having someone reciprocate those feelings, and then I’m somehow ruining all of it, all over again. Somehow morphing back into the person I was before I was this happiest version of myself. That person was selfish. That person reeked of entitlement and belittlement and pride and conceit.

I just want to have fun, with all of the happy people. I just want everyone to be happy. I want them to be happy with me, but also happy to leave me behind when I’m not enough for them. And yes that means being fairly allowed to do the same!

And alas, as I sit hear waiting to leave this new country I’ve come to love, to penetrate a completely foreign land for someone I used to share a similar kind of love with, I am left with a request. A simple, fair, earnest request from a very special someone. So special I know I will never be enough, and this is exactly why: Never Date A Girl Who Travels (http://elitedaily.com/envision/dont-date-girl-travels-video/707003/) 

   

Enough, for now.

5am,

First & longest leg down, only 4 more to go. Yew, what a remarkably painful 9 hour flight. Long and cold and isle seat uncomfortable and freezing and expensive and lacking any entertainment systems and smelling of nauseating foreign food and also it was so cold! With projections of 30+ weather for the remainder of the month, and with strong advisories not to pack a single piece of clothing that covered any more than 50% of my body, I was shaking that entire uncomfortable journey. Thank goodness I brought a knit and a thin infinity, but even still, I am happy to be off that plane. It’s 38 degrees in Malaysia (where I am waiting to board to Bangkok right now)! I thought that might make up for it. But alas, I sit in an air-conditioned gate, watching the minutes go by until I board once more.

While I am genuinely beyond excited to get the full experience, I already know this probably isn’t my culture. I feel anxious and uncomfortable and misplaced, already. Plus, any continent that has fancy public toilet facilities only to open the individual stall to a mere hole in the floor… I’m sorry, no. There was literally a puddle of PEE in each stall. The entire stunning-looking washroom stunk of urine. I literally don’t get it. WHY would girls want to stand and squat!? For anything beyond outdoor kegger bush parties?? I could never get used to it.

Positives, to shake the cranky I’ve-slept-20-minutes-in-the-last-22-hours-after-working-23-hours-this-weekend:

-       - The longest flight is done

-       - Customs and security lines have been smooth thus far

-       - Wifi here is great (side note: I’m still not exactly sure where ‘here’ is, which is so awful isn’t it? - What kind of traveller am I. I can’t pronounce the words on my ticket and I cant understand what the intercom is saying, so I write it off as a ‘doesn’t-really-count’ kind of thing since I am only seeing the airplane runways of this country anyway)

-       - Soon it will be time for real, authentic, chicken pad thai. After only eating two apple pancakes, an apple and an orange since my masala omelet this morning at work 20 hours ago, it’s safe to say I am a little excited.

That’s all I got. I am literally too exhausted to think. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

7am,

En route to Bangkok – window seat, yes! And while the opposite side of the plane is catching a phenomenal sunrise of orange and pink, I’ve got the clearest view of that Super Moon, staring blankly & boldly into me. And it is surrounded by the puffiest clouds, full, inflated, soft, filled with electricity – a lightening storm through the clouds. Ah! And now that pink sunrise is floating on over to my side of the world!

 

11:45, racing to the Donsak pier from UTR airport. Such a rush to catch my 1230 speed boat to Samui, which of course is plain obvious by my ticket, the time, and the lack of shuttle buses running to the dock. 1600thb they try to charge me! And would have too if it weren't for the universe finally paying me a solid when a Spanish couple arrived at the info desk with the exact same dilemma. Even if it was still pricier than any of us would have liked for them to take us for, splitting that cost 3 ways was away more ideal. 

Now we are racing, literally racing, passing people left right and center; passing people on the left, on the shoulder, passing people into oncoming highway traffic; passing over bridges and hills and once even driving the opposite way through a round about stop sign just to beat the 2 other cars through it! Another time, we drove along the shoulder, passed a dozen cars stopped at a red traffic light... And then ran the red light.

It's the strangest thing: most people are driving like maniacs, and others, for NO apparent reason, randomly stop their vehicles in the middle of the busy highway lane... The only detail I do pick up on is how quickly they halt to a stop when they notice young kids driving the motor bikes. At least there's that. But don't get me started on the bikes! There are people driving bikes talking on the phone. People driving bikes and eating a lap full of food. There was literally one bike who sped across all 4 lanes of highway to get to the other side, with a BABY on his hip.

I actually almost love it though, sitting in the front seat; it's like a video game! I am silently cheering him on, passing levels as we're passing long strings of traffic, predicting the drivers every move & even internally criticizing him for not taking certain sure-thing riskier moves! Lol. Thailand could be dangerous for my wild side. I did see one police car on the other side of the road during our trip! I wonder what they use those things for. 

Please let us make this 1230 boat. 

12:40, we made the boat. Only just barely; if it weren't for the massive herd of people waiting to board it single-file, it would have left on schedule and we would have missed it by 5. A stressful last leg, that's for sure! Despite the heat I've opted to spend the next 45 mins of this speedboat trip out on the deck, because sugar it is gorgeous out here. We're followed out of the pier by a pack of dolphins :) 

I can't believe I'm here. 

I am just standing here on the edge of the boat, the wind is so nice, the water splashes up from beneath me, repeating to myself over and over: this moment, this is just the beginning. In no time at all it will be the 28th and the weeks will have absolutely flown. But for NOW, right now (!) it hasn't even begun yet :) I am present. I am grateful. I am so so excited to see my guy. 

9pm, the most perfect first afternoon, that first zoom from the pier through the streets, my dress flying out from the speedy seat, the tropical heat sets in instantly. We share 7 Changs on a massive beach blanket, just talking and catching up and soaking in and listening to country music. I bend and stretch the stiffness of travel out of me, I stare in wonder at all the locals and the little beachfront cabanas. The water is warmer than anything I've ever felt, a comfy bath under the early evening sunshine, beer cans held above the rolling waves. A couple hours of frisbee (which I'm certain I haven't played since our KanJam days!) & then a slow, short, salty trek home. 

Cool showers & freshening up for chicken pad Thai and fresh coconuts in a secluded, nearly abandoned little side street eatery. Early cozy sleepy bedtime <3

Tuesday, August 12^th

Four things you have to not only not mind, but actually really enjoy if you're considering living in (or just enjoying a trip to) Thailand: being salty. Being sandy. Being sweaty. Drinking warm beer. 

Breakfast this morning on the steps of the 7-11 after a quick stop to the fruit stand across our road: apple yogurt (my goodness, don’t even get my started) & corn flakes, baby bananas, apples, early morning sunshine.

We drove out to the ‘Secret Monk,’ nowhere to be found on tripadvisor.com, a beautiful bar restaurant & a fun climb over the rocks to the house of a monk. A cave actually, and we climbed right inside of it to find some really beautiful emblems, views, and a handful of people laying on his floor in meditation. He looked up and greeted me with the biggest, warmest, happiest smile, but I still felt too foreign and out of place to delve any deeper into his gorgeous little cave. He lives there and he never leaves. People come offering supplies, food, water, because it is said that what you bring to a Monk during your lifetime is exactly what you will get in return in the afterlife. I think this is so neat.

Next stop is Kalasea bar for Changs & low-tide ocean views & uncooked popcorn chicken. A really cute little nautical-themed pit stop for grabbing some shade and good conversation. Also, it is here I make my first request in Thai! (I asked for the toilet. Successfully!). We finally make it to the Na Muang waterfalls, after one steep hike up the mountain, we are readily rewarded by the refreshing swim in those cool little rock pools. We’ve packed our Changs and I am so happy to just float around that over-crowded little quarry, even braving my way up the waterfall for the classic yoga shot!

On our way out of the gardens we are met by an elephant, taking a break from tours to snack on my remaining tiny bananas! SO neat! One of those moments that reminds me of the first time I saw Kangaroos, or whales in Australia; the first time you see a creature this big, this beautiful and rare up close, the first time you feel it’s trunk or see it’s hungry nostrils open and close like finger tips, it really is so cool! And then I discover (thanks to instagram later today) that it is World Elephant Day! Bonus. Such a memorable experience.

Our final key destination of the day is Rock Bar, which is quiet for Mother’s Day, but still a fantastic little hang out spot (and we did find someone serving Chang!). Two quickly warming beers, a spectacular view, hot breeze, lazy lounge, letting the 4 or 5 previous Changs from the day drift through me, that familiar feeling of limbs going comfortably numb, heavy with sunshine and alcohol. And this guy sitting next to me, the same guy who’s been next to me on all of these likewise best half-drunk afternoons. I really, really enjoyed today, and I feel so grateful that he had my first full day off from work so we could spend such a good one together.

Wednesday, August 13^th - My first full solo day!

My roomie left for work at 4am today (yep, 4am!) lol which worked out since I'm still on Aussie time, so though I only slept 5 hours, it felt like 7am & I was wide awake. Actually, I had quite the productive day! Some more apple yogurt, cornflakes & a bit of Gilmore Girls to relax into an earlyyy morning, and then I ventured out to the beach while I assumed it was still early enough to be even slightly cooler. Wrong! Haha, it was beautiful, but I didn’t last any longer than 45 minutes out there, where even the water is too warm to float around in for very long. But it felt nice to stretch in there, the slowed ocean gravity making my splits much nicer to sink into.

A long, cool shower, washing 2 days of tourist attractions, sand, salt & Chang out of my hair before my wander down the main street in search for lunch. I decided on a tiny corner restaurant for the most delicious spicy chicken fried rice with banana peppers and cucumbers and cashews and iced green tea & an Oreo milkshake to top it all off (because I'm on vacation! And I thought having my 4th ice cream of my 3-day trip so far sounded impressive!) So pleased with my victorious lunch experience, I reward myself by returning home to nap by the fan.

Thursday, August 14^th

9:45am

I ran for 30 whole minutes today! … Not a second more. Actually, likely less. In fact I did not run, I jogged. Slow jogged. And stopped 4 times throughout (yes, once for push ups & tri dips, but still). My goodness Thailand is my least favourite place in the world so far for physical activity! Haha it is soooooo easy (and only on day 3!) to understand how much more enjoyable it would be to live here and just eat all of the delicious food and never ever be active because who can even MOVE in this 35 degree weather! I went out early today (it was only 28!) and I still couldn’t breath properly by 50 feet down the road.

It’s just the air – the sweat I can deal with! Bikram literally prepared me so well for being here and being physically active here, but it is the air. Not just that it’s thick and heavy, but mostly just because any time you really need to take a deep full breath to get that oxygen to your brain and to all of your exhausted cells, you can’t avoid that big necessary breath to be a full inhale of garbage smell. Garbage taste! It is so rare to come across a fresh cloud of oxygen in this town, at least where it’s safe to run. Meaning, I have to stick to the main road in my activity because any single side road is guarded (literally) by stray dogs, so territorial that Daniel literally told me not to run without a large stick. … They are terrifying! So it’s weaving in and around cars and motorbikes (sometimes parked, sometimes not), avoiding pedestrians and fruit stands and recklessly turning vehicles. I really didn’t mind it, I just wish I could have gone longer! Even my head stands back in this air conditioned bungalow felt weak and pathetic! I’m glad I did it though! The 30-minute workouts will do at least a little more than nothing next to the daily ice cream intake habit I’ve quickly cultivated here :)

Tonight is walking street for dinner and drinks and then tomorrow is my birthday! And I think I just might spoil myself with a $12 hour-long massage (seriously!) And then finally a weekend, a full two-days with my favourite company.

August 15^th - 17^th

Such an awesome birthday! To get to celebrate it once on Thai time, again on Australian time, and then even more still once it hits midnight in Canada! I got 3 birthdays this year! It was so wonderful.

I spent the afternoon at the beachfront café, solo lunch date and then a Piña Colada with mom on Skype! Later on I would be greeted by Dad and Jorja & Noley and BABY BO in a crib full of Happy Birthday balloons and my heart would absolutely explode!! I am such a lucky international birthday girl. Next up was that Thai massage, exactly how I would have predicted it to be (pretty fantastic, also slightly painful, and totally bizarre).  

My birthday evening allowed me to get all dolled up in my party dress and feel shown-off through Fisherman’s Village walking street for cocktails and Thai jello shots. We met some teacher friends at Freedom Bar for drinks before we snuck off to the wild Chaweng night scene. Ark bar gives us a beach fire throwing show, a limbo contest (with the limbo poll lit on fire, and yes I was the champion, and yes it was almost terrifying), buckets (literally) of alcohol, hookah, beach dancing. We tore up dance floors at Green Mango, Soi Reggae, Q Bar, and probably half a dozen other clubs I can’t remember now. It is all a blur of colour and motion and chaos – a definite success!

Our weekend recovery is short & sweet as we make the best of our two days off together. Lots of motorbiking around the island, visiting Big Buddah (so incredible), Chaweng beach, the big outdoor mall, and finally Jungle Club – the best possible view on the island. Breath-taking. Definitely my favourite experience so far. Sprinkle in some incredible meals from Jano’s, lazy evenings with floaty toys in the ocean, & red wine on the beach at sunset, and you’ve got yourself a spectacular first weekend.